So as some of you know we lost a foster daughter to SIDS in May of 2005. It was one of the worst things I have ever had to go through or experience. Though she was not my child by blood. I raised her for the first 2 1/2 months of her life. I am the one who brought her home from the hospital, changed every diaper, and got up in the middle of the night to feed her. I got to see her first smile and hear her first coo, she rolled over at 2 months. I am the one that took her to her Drs appointments and was there when she was admitted in to the hospital for a small surgery. These are all things a mother does for and with her child. When these things are taken from you in a blink of an eye your faith maybe shook up.
Like most people who go through a loss I did the; Why her Lord? What did I do wrong? This is a dream, a bad, bad dream. How could you let this happen? What could I have done different to protect her? All kinds of what ifs played through my head, over and over. I can honestly say I beat myself up for not just days, or weeks, or even months. Years I tell you, this grief and fear has been in me for years. It was not until this past Jan-Mar 2012 that I have really let go of the fear and grief of loosing that little one. It took me getting involved in a Bible study about the book of James by Beth Moore, to really let go. Can you imagine living with this fear for over 6 years? As a foster parent who takes care of babies all the time this fear was real and in my face a lot. Every time I would welcome a new little one into my house as I watched them grow and develop and get closer to the 2 1/2mo mark, my fear and anxiety grew also. When they hit that 2mo mark it was in full swing, this momma did not sleep much for the next month. I let the fear and anxiety eat me alive for a month. Why? Why did I not pray? Why did I not trust that God had this? My faith had been shaken that evening in May 2005 and I never grabbed back on to it.
When I look back, there are so many signs that God was right there with me the whole time. I just chose not to see or was blinded. The big one was he chose to call her home on the evening we had bible study in our home. Really? We were worshiping the Lord in one room as she passed away in another. Does that seem even possible? We were fellow shipping with 2 other christian couples right in the other room. Is that just a coincidence or do you think God knew we would need the support as he took us through this trial. I did not see it then, but I see it now.
James 1:2-4 says: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I definetly did not see the joy in going through that trial in my life. I also did not hold onto my faith and let it produce the perseverance. I did not let perseverance finish its work. Instead I let the fear hold on and drag me down James 1:5 goes on to say; If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ASK. All I needed to do is ask? I was pretty sure at some point I had prayed for, begged for, asked for the pain to go away. So why was it still there? Then I kept reading James 1:6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. After I read this a light clicked on inside my head and a rush of emotions went through my heart. I was asking, but I was not believing. There is a difference. You can ask God for anything, he actually wants you too. But, that is a big BUT you must BELIEVE!
Fast forward a little to January 2012 I get the call to pick up a 3 week old little girl to come and live in our home. I prayed on my way to the hospital, "Lord watch over this child that you have entrusted me with, protect her, and help me to raise her knowing you." Like praying for my own children every night, I have added this little one into my evening prayers. She will be 3mo old next week. I can honestly say that the fear and anxiety that I have experienced with so many children (including my own) was not there. It never was there, this whole month of her life. I have let my Faith that God has this, He is in control be first and foremost. It has been so freeing, so uplifting. Not to mention less work then not sleeping and being scared. I am so excited for this new chapter in my life. When I pray or ask you better believe I do it with no doubt what so ever. I know my God answers all, he is always just waiting for the next time I pray and have my time with him. Yes he knows what I need before I do, but he wants me to acknowledge and ask him.